The harsh sun shoots into my eyes as i step outside and put on my pack, i take 3 steps forward ‘why here’ i say to myself. I walk onto the track and begin my ascent up the mountain. I suppose nature is nice I look around seeing birds chirping and small creeks trickling. I continue up the beaten path it’s only been a couple minutes and im starting to question why I am here like why did he want them spread here, more specifically at the top of a bloody mountain kinda cliche if you ask me. I decide to entertain myself as i trek up the path there are ants running round on the ground i hop skip and jump on them killing as many as I can. Quickly bored I think about the life I have to return to when i get home where i have to go to school, I guess I am fortunate I am not there right now. The track is progressively getting steeper and steeper I reach a small cliffs edge breaking out of the tree line I look up in confusion at the three mountains standing in front of me the furthest one to the left looking the closest maybe the smallest, the mountain in the middles tall and this mountain is jagged and pointy, intimidating to say the least the furthest one to the right is very far away but it looks the easiest to climb so which one is it, flip sake I was just told to scatter the ashes at the mountain beyond the forest my eyes scan further to the right I see a small log cabin with smoke coming from the chimney I guess i’ll ask them for advice crsshhhh the cliff side collapses beneath me and Im heading straight for some jagged rocks directly below, i put my arms arms up to try grab a tree branch i miss but i am caught by the back of my shirt, from a root on the cliff face hanging looking down on what i thought was my certain death not that it matters much why would the universe spare me. After “getting off” the cliffs side i ended up closer to the cabin it was only a 500m walk when i ended up outside the cabin i put my fist up to knock but before i could the door swung open from the inside and on the other side was a small old man welcome welcome traveler he says, Hi i guess i was wondering if you could give me some advice i asked, the man said aha you have come to the right place that is what I am famous for you see. I asked him a couple questions about the mountains regarding my instructions the old man said that is quite peculiar but that forest although small is thriving with life and if you kill any of that life it has ways unimaginable of getting back at you. Good thing you didn’t kill anything in there or you wouldn’t be standing in front of me. The monks always taught me that all life is sacred. Even the life of the tiniest ant, killing an ant is no different to a human, and the forest takes an eye for an eye. That explains why I nearly died before, your grandfather told me you were coming said the old man he was a great teacher and guru, a lunatic is what my family called him do u have his ashes said the man i said yes i pulled a shiny tin out of my bag he examined it for a second and said I can guide you up the mountain, which one i said he said oh haha none of those i was talking about your mountain to peace and humility once u reach the top of this mountain you will become a master of your own destiny and that is what your grandfather wanted first YOU need TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT, beep beep beep my alarm clock went off and i woke up to another boring day of school except i had to write my dreaded speech.
Hey Keltan!
Nice progress. Your speech has taken shape though it ends up heading to a place which is a little illogical.
– You need to imply (show) some of your ideas a little more, rather than directly stating them. Think of this like creative writing- you want your audience to have to do some of the work and think about your story along the way. This is a balance as you don’t want it to be so abstract that we miss the point!
– There are areas that you need to streamline. You have many moments where your character’s narrative voice makes small aside comments, repeats themselves or uses a lot of words to explain something. Check the time and see if you can trim things up a bit.
– Strengthen your ending. At the moment, it doesn’t really make sense with the rest of your speech. I don’t think it is unrealistic for your character to meet a wise stranger but it needs to fall into the genre of realism a bit more.
Mrs P